Navigating Family Dynamics During the Holidays: Communication Dos & Don’ts

By Silvia A. Brett, Esq., Estate Planning/Probate attorney and Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit Civil Mediator, and Dr. Rebecca Tuttle, Psy.D.

The holidays have a way of shining a light on the best (and the most complicated) parts of family life. Emotions run high. Long-standing patterns resurface. And when the conversations turn to delicate topics like estate planning, aging parents, or end-of-life wishes, the stakes feel even higher.

As an estate planning and probate attorney, I often see families at their most vulnerable: after a loss, in conflict, or facing decisions they’ve postponed for too long. As a psychologist, Dr. Rebecca Tuttle also sees individuals in some of their most vulnerable states and provides them with tools to navigate difficult situations which so often arise during the holidays.

For this part of our series, we are offering some communication tools that make these tough conversations not just easier, but healthier. Consider using these communications Dos and Don’ts during your next family gathering:

Communication DOs

Check in with yourself first (HALT)

Before initiating a conversation, pause and ask:

Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?

If the answer is yes to any of these, it’s likely not the best time to initiate or have a significant discussion . In these states, we’re reactive rather than thoughtful.

Reduce distractions

Turn off the TV. Put away phones. Choose a time when people aren’t rushing out the door or juggling tasks. Focus gives everyone the best chance to be fully present.

Give loved ones a heads-up

Do not ambush anyone with a big discussion. A simple, “Hey, I’d love to talk later about the estate plan so we can all be on the same page—when’s a good time?” gives people space to emotionally prepare.

Use clear, concrete language

Avoid vague statements or tip-toeing around the topic. Be intentional and simple:

“I want to talk about what will happen with the house someday.”
“We need to make sure we understand Mom’s wishes.”

Clarity helps to create realistic expectations and minimize anxiety.

Normalize the discomfort

You can say out loud that these conversations feel weird or sad. That honesty puts everyone at ease.

Use “I” statements

This shifts the tone from accusatory to caring. For example:
“I’m worried that if we don’t talk about this soon, it will be harder later.”
“I feel anxious not knowing what your wishes are.”
“I’d feel better if we had a plan.”

Practice active listening

This means paraphrasing to show you’re trying to understand:
“So what I’m hearing is that you’re worried about being a burden?”
“It sounds like this brings up a lot of sadness for you.”

Validating feelings doesn’t mean agreeing, it means acknowledging that the other person has a valid perspective, even if you disagree with it.

Borrow a strategy from mediation: separate & know when you’ve hit an impasse

If emotions rise or distractions pop up, take a break. It’s okay to pause the conversation and return with clearer minds.

You can even separate into different rooms to cool down and regroup.

And if it appears you are not going to be able to agree on this difficult topic or even having the difficult conversation, know when to “impasse” (mediator term for agreeing to put the conflict to the side). Not every disagreement finds resolution in one sitting and that’s okay.

Consider bringing in a neutral third party

A mediator, estate attorney, or therapist can often keep the discussion productive and balanced when family dynamics get tough.

Communication DON’Ts

Don’t talk when HALT applies

If you or someone else is hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, postpone the conversation. You’ll save yourselves frustration.

Don’t use global criticisms

“You always…” and  “You never…” statements quickly shut people down. They inflame emotions rather than move you toward solutions.

Don’t threaten or dredge up old grievances

Estate planning is about preparing for the future not relitigating the past.

Don’t walk away just to ruminate

If you take a break, do it with the intention of calming down before returning to the conversation. Stewing will not help calm you down. Consider watching a funny video, taking some deep breaths, or going for a walk to help you center yourself.

One of the most powerful tools Dr. Tuttle uses is this simple reflection: “Am I reacting to what’s happening right now, or to something bigger behind it?”

Often, holiday conversations press on  bruises from years (or decades) ago. Naming that can help you respond with compassion instead of reactivity. With intentional communication, the holidays can be a little less challenging  and a lot more connective. Be gentle with yourself and with one another.

Happy holidays and thank you for following along with us this year!

About Silvia A. Brett, Esq.:

Silvia A. Brett, Esq. is an attorney, mediator, and owner of Brett Legal, PLLC. She focuses on estate planning and probate and is a Florida Supreme Court Circuit Civil Certified mediator. Brett Legal, PLLC is a law firm based in St. Petersburg, Florida and handling Probate and Estate planning throughout the state of Florida. Click here for more information.

About Dr. Rebecca Tuttle:

Dr. Rebecca Tuttle is a licensed clinical psychologist with a doctorate in Clinical Psychology (Psy.D.) and owner of Tuttle Psychology. Tuttle Psychology is based in Jacksonville, Florida. Dr. Tuttle is licensed in the states of Florida and Colorado and is authorized to practice interjurisdictional psychology in all PSYPACT states via telehealth. She is trained in Gottman Method for Couples Therapy (Level 3). Click here to contact Dr. Rebecca Tuttle.

Disclaimer: The information in this post is intended for general educational and informational purposes only and is not a suitable substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you or someone you know is struggling, please seek support from a qualified mental health professional. 

Additionally, the information provided on this blog is not intended to be legal advice and does not create an attorney-client relationship. The content may not reflect the most current legal developments, and it is not guaranteed to be complete or up-to-date. The information on this blog should not be taken as legal advice for any specific case or situation. You should not act or refrain from acting based on any content included in this blog without seeking the appropriate legal advice on the particular facts and circumstances at issue from a professional licensed in your jurisdiction. The author expressly disclaims all liability with respect to actions taken or not taken based on any or all the contents of this blog. If you have any of the topics discussed herein, you should contact the appropriate legal, medical, psychological or other applicable professional.